emotions

to sum up my recent days.

1. i'm happy when i eat sweets. lately i've been taking dose of sweets--cakes, candies, fried banana with cheese and milk, brownies, ice creams, chocobars, you name it. sometimes i even replace my meal with sweets. i know it is not healthy but i don't careeeeee i love sweets. 

2. i'm envious to my friends who majors in arts. architecture, product design, visual comm design, and so on... they're there making some fascinating works while i'm here making accounting journals. kinda sucks to think about it.

3. i'm excited about American Horror Story: Coven. as much as it gets sicker, it gets harder to wait for next eps! this season is about witchcraft and although i'm not really into that genre, i love the actors/actresses (Jessica Lange is stunning as always! Taissa x Evan FTW! and i love Angela Bassett and Kathy Bates too!). besides, could anything go bad under Ryan Murphy's midas touch? :)

4. i'm disgusted with myself for some reasons i can't explain here.

5. i'm stressed looking at my account balance aaarrrgh i spend so much on foods and sweets x(

hahahaha. see you!

my recent mornings

a spoonful of sugar

sweet pastries
sleeping
watching tv and curling on couch
weekends
anything banana flavored
music
AHS Coven long awaited premiere!!
crying. remedy.


a cup of bitter espresso

knowing Dexter will end this Sunday
obscure subjects in this term
piles of tasks
catching cold easily
losing a friend
feeling lonely


and i take the usual morning bus...

Take my mind and take my pain
Like an empty bottle takes the rain
And heal.

please just let me cry a little bit more. and more, and more.

i don't need any shoulders; both of my knees are enough.

blurry vision

I feel like a broken battery.

My daily life always exhausts me. I don't know why--I can never get enough energy to face every single day with a fresh mind. Every day passes by like wave that touches sand and slowly disappears in beaches--it never leaves a profound impression. Every morning I would wake up because I have to, not because I want to. And every night I will crawl into my bed hoping tomorrow would be different, but nothing really happens.

I feel like jogging.

I can't remember since when I begin to run, and everyone tells me to just keep running because that's what jogging is all about. But no one bothers to accompany me or tell me where to go.

I can't see where I'm heading, there's no finish line. I'm too afraid to stop, I'm afraid people will say I haven't run long enough; my effort is not big enough.

I feel so lost.

I don't hate my life, I don't see any reason why. But I can't tell I love my life either. It's more like I don't know what a lovable life is. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what I want. I don't know what my future is supposed to be. I don't know anything.

It's like slowly losing my soul. How could you live a life with no desire?

conditional love

i love words, exquisite arrange of words. be it in books, song lyrics, film scripts or anything.
but if i said i could not get the beauty of Dante's poems, people would say i'm just a shallow girl who freaks over anything new i read.

i love songs, good songs. i am never into a singer or band that much, but if i love many of their songs, for me that is enough to say i love them.
but some people say that if we love a particular singer we should have known their full discography. or go to their concerts. or buy some of their albums.

i love artworks. i simply love beautiful graphic designs, animations, paintings, drawings, photographs that i happen to see.
but you know, sometimes for other artwork enthusiasts it's not enough. loving artworks means you have to know the history of renowned painters from time to time. or elements in graphic designs. or who made this, who made that, what's your favorite artists. blabla.

i love my country. i always yearn for this country to be a successful industrial country, free from corruption, and so on. true that i used to regret for having born in this country, but now i don't... maybe as i grow up i realized this country has so much more to love. maybe as i grow up i realize i was born here to be a part of Indonesia's recovery.
but true that i am sometimes pessimistic. isn't it normal, given this country's condition? but they say this country has no use of pessimistic people.

i love so many things.
but why, in this world full of hatred, do people define love as a difficult thing--that love is something not every people could afford?

i just want to love simply, as simple as curling my lips and making a smile whenever those things make me happy.

insomnia

kali ini saya akan menulis dalam bahasa indonesia, karena post kali ini saya tujukan bagi remaja-remaja indonesia alay yang sering mengaku bahwa dirinya insomnia.
mengapa saya sangat tidak suka sekali dengan remaja-remaja ini? karena mereka menganggap insomnia seperti sesuatu yang keren dan happening, padahal saya sendiri mengalami gangguan tidur (bukan insomnia) dan sama sekali tidak menganggap itu keren. gangguan tidur seringkali merusak hari saya.


INSOMNIA
kalian dapat membacanya lebih detail di sini, tapi saya singkat di post ini agar kalian (mudah-mudahan) tidak malas membacanya.

1. insomnia adalah gangguan tidur yang membuat orang sulit jatuh tertidur, atau tidur selama yang ia harapkan.
jadi, orang-orang ini memang sulit jatuh tertidur, walaupun mereka sudah berbaring di tempat tidur, lampu mati, tempat tidur nyaman, dan lain-lain. pokoknya sekondusif apapun lingkungan tidur mereka, mereka susah tidur. jadi kalau kalian tidak tidur karena masih main internet, buka Twitter, kepo orang, main game, dan lain-lain, itu namanya bukan insomnia. selain sulit jatuh tertidur, bisa juga ia sulit menjaga agar ia tertidur selama yang ia harapkan, dengan kata lain, ia bisa terbangun sebelum waktunya. dan bila terbangun seperti itu, ia akan sulit tertidur lagi.

2. jam tidur yang bergeser sering disalahartikan sebagai insomnia.
mungkin kalian pikir, orang insomnia normal kalau bangunnya siang, wong mereka seringkali tidur pagi. nah, kalau seseorang tidur pagi tapi bangunnya juga siang, kemungkinan besar jam tidur orang tersebut bergeser (delayed sleep phase disorder). banyak orang yang sering begadang mengalami hal ini. menurut Wikipedia, perbedaan pergeseran jam tidur dengan insomnia adalah, orang yang jam tidurnya bergeser gampang tidur lagi saat pagi/siang hari, sedangkan orang insomnia tetap sulit tidur. nah, jadi perhatikan kalian termasuk yang mana.

3. penyebab insomnia
insomnia ringan (atau dapat disebut kurang tidur - sleep deprivation) umumnya disebabkan oleh stress. penyebab-penyebab lainnya sangat beragam mulai dari konsumsi kafein berlebihan, latihan fisik berlebihan, kebisingan di lingkungan sekitar, penyalahgunaan obat-obatan (stimulan, pereda nyeri, sedatif, dan lain-lain), hormon, rasa sakit/nyeri, penyakit syaraf, jet lag, sampai kelainan jiwa. jadi sekali lagi, tidak bisa tidur karena main internet dan lain-lain bukan penyebab insomnia.

ya, itulah sedikit yang ingin saya sampaikan mengenai insomnia. dengan post ini saya harapkan kalian yang masih sering beranggapan bahwa kalian insomnia dapat berubah pikiran dan tidak sembarangan menyebut diri kalian insomnia, apalagi hanya karena kalian belum bisa tidur pukul 1 pagi.

bila kalian merasa bahwa kalian mengalami gangguan tidur, jangan semata-mata menganggap kalian menderita insomnia. bisa saja kalian menderita rasa kantuk berlebih saat siang hari (excessive daytime sleepiness), pergeseran jam tidur (sleep phase disorder), atau bahkan narkolepsi (narcolepsy), atau mungkin gangguan-gangguan lainnya seperti sleep apnea dan lain-lain.


sumber: Wikipedia
*)note: bila ada kesalahan pengetikan maupun informasi, silahkan beri komentar kalian di post ini.

a letter from your ordinary, quiet girl

uhm.

dear atheists,

look, i know that many of you is highly educated. you think a lot of things, yes. you try to match every phenomenons with logics and theories. and as you do so, you begin to question the relevance of God in our lives. and maybe you find God has nothing to do with this world. He is not creator; big bang theory can explain the creation of our Earth. He does not create humans; humans evolve from chimpanzees, at least that's what Darwin taught us. and there's your bio-genesis theory, explaining the origin of all living organisms. let's give applause for those people and their intelligence, shall we? thank you, scientists, for finding out those wonderful theories.

as for our lives, there's no explaining why we got our good and bad lucks, wonderful and terrible fates, right? it's just happening without us knowing why. and yeah... it's likely that we will have good things happening to us if we work hard and we have luck, and vice versa.

i still remember one of my friend said this to me: every man has to have something to believe in. oh wait, you believe in science? fellas, i do too. i believe in all things that make sense, i believe in all things that is scientifically proven. but you know, i also believe in Him, as all about Him is written in Holy Bible (i'm a Christian). to think about it, i don't even know what makes me believe in Him. maybe because my parents raise me that way? or maybe because believing God is ideal, they say? i don't know, but i keep believing in Him and His grace. i believe that life, world, galaxies, all phenomenons, things happened daily--all of it is controlled by something, and that thing has to be God. i believe that even those scientists can think about all those theories because God wanted them to.

i'm not a good disciple--not even close. i know sin will send me to hell, yet i still sin. nevertheless, i still need something to hold on and to believe in. don't you need one?

believing God would do no harm to you, so chillax. you won't lose anything even if in the end He does not exist. at least that's what your scientist, Pascal, said.

- from a not-so-well educated 19-yrs-old who does not read science books nor Holy Bible much

dear extremist who despise atheists,

why don't we make the world a better place by stopping judging atheists. after all every man has his own belief, and they occurred to believe in only science. but you people, i think you are delusional if you only think and act according to what's written in your religion holy guidebooks and, what's worse, God Himself.

first of all, just because a man does not believe in God doesn't mean he deserves all disgraces to happen upon them. after all God is something man made to ease all their curiosity and insecurity about hollowness left before they create a concept of God (at least this is what i know). it's man-made.

and believing God alone does not make you better of a human than an atheist is. remember, faith without action is death. what's the point of praising God if you still curse everyone who does bad to you? what's the point of saying God's name if you spread hatred towards everyone around you?

remember, they not believing God does not have anything to do with you. after all that's why it's called belief. let us make peace not war, let us spread love not hate. let's open up our mind and be anything but a bigot. let's tolerate difference more.

- from a girl who is pissed off seeing hypocrisy

You Already Know

i love this song a lot,

Bombay Bicycle Club - You Already Know

the lyric is so good that i want to share it here...

check it out

the moment we forgot we were just good friends

i moved my arm her face went red again

one more bus home 

another silent weekend

said love was painted gold

like all things growing old

the paint peels and slowly falls

you already know

looking out the glass

always sit together

we both know we could be someone better

not with our heads like London weather

said love was painted gold

like all things growing old

the paint peels and slowly falls

you already know

i always feel so gloomy every time i listen to this song.

it reminds me that nothing gold can stay; good times cannot last forever.

and i remember all good old times with all good old friends i ever had.

now that i remembered, it all feels like it happened long, long time ago, in some period of my life that i thought never existed

and i miss those moments so much it began to hurt, it really do.

the paint peels and slowly falls, i know.

7th National Folklore Festival

what is 7th National Folklore Festival (NFF)? it's a cultural event held by my faculty student senate (BEM FEUI). it consists of traditional dance and choir competition, held in three consecutive days.
in this committee i work in Documentation and Design (Docdes) division, in which i was the vice coordinator, with Danar as coordinator and Hanni, Adel, Hendy, and Santoso as my staffs.
at first, i didn't even know what NFF is. when my college friends formed this committee and persuaded me to be a part of them, i just said yes because i want to add my activity (that time, dude, i loved joining many committees). as simple as that.
of course i experienced some downs (and maybe...a few ups i could hardly recall?) at this committee. through nearly nine months of the making (this committee began working in July), there were times when i lacked motivation, or tired, or mad, and others. when D-day is coming i'm not even excited. i just wanted this to end as my last committee (which is later proven to be wrong lol)
and D-day came!
here are few words to describe it: beautiful, lovely, poignant, soul-opening
beautiful, because traditional dance and choir, i just realized at that point, is simply beautiful.
lovely, because i immediately fell in love with traditional culture much more than i ever did before.
poignant, because it was NFF which can make me love traditional culture deeper.
soul-opening, because it opened my heart and mind that traditional culture is simply dazzling and relieving.
i simply love the performances. it was, for God's sake, very, very, beautiful.
next year i would like to skip two days full of classes to watch next (8th) NFF made by my juniors. i love it so much i could never forget what i feel when i watch the performances.

here are some pictures i took:

LOVE.

occurrence of the right time

so yesssshhhhbaby it's holiday. when you got all the time in the world to jerk around! spread the love and happiness!

so i feel this importance to write my holiday bucket list so i could mark some accomplishment of my plans. here we go:

1. post about 7th NFF and all throwback events i feel like posting here
2. cut my hair shoulder long (oh well...)
3. learn to play guitar
4. draw and/or paint as much as i want! don't get your artistic soul rusty, Jude.
5. make a 5 days do-it-alone challenge and accomplish it
6. take photos as much as possible on my holiday trips
7. read books in '1000 books you must read before you die' as much as possible!
8. watch Game of Thrones!!! and other series i've been craving all this time
9. befriend someone in my neighborhood (i really doubt this though)
10. try making some DIY accessories
11. add at least one DIY decorative ornament in my room
12. try reading some historical literature
13. go to a place new
14. fix my biological clock
15. try jogging regularly in the morning
16. finish that anime series 'Monster'

aaaand to be continued!

the nature of one

maybe i am originally an introvert. or i begin to be one--i don't know.

since i stepped into this so-called campus life, i don't go outside that much. college keeps my hands pretty busy.

but, when i feel like going outside, i began to hanging out alone. eating alone, going to cinema alone (this one is not recommended), shopping alone (if not with mom), etc.

it all started like this --

when i was in high school, i lived in Bogor, so my high school friends are all in Bogor.

and suddenly my family decided to move to Serpong, where i don't know anyone. i could hardly make friends here. i don't join any community, group, club, or attend any course, class, anything that could introduce me to new people. yes, i am alone in this damned town.

i made some friends in university, but nobody i know lives in my town. and i'm like, shit, why--among so many university friends who came from various places--nobody lives in the same place as me?

and so i've got nobody nearby to hang out with. i think it's too much of an effort to go to Bogor and other cities by train (which can take two hours or more) just to sip iced coffee and go to cinema with some friends.

i didn't quite enjoy being alone. at first. especially because the circumstances force you to.

but lately, there's some kind of relief, or comfort, every time i am alone. at weekend, i value to do these things more--sleep, read books, surf in the internet for long, long hours, etc. things i can't afford to do in my weekdays.

i don't feel any urge to meet my high school friends. i mean, sometimes i miss them, but somehow i don't miss them that much. we could interact via social network or chat apps, anyway. besides, many of them don't really put any effort to meet me, though. just as i do. they got new friends, so do i. besides, i hung out with them too much back then, so if we meet again every weekend and go to the same mall all over again, it's just boring.

with my new college friends? well, we meet everyday, go to same classes everyday, so why bother to meet in weekend if we will meet again for the next five days? and we still could use chat apps when urgent.

i don't know. maybe these are symptoms of being an introvert? or did i just not realize it back then? but i feel comfortable this way. i enjoy spending my time with mom every weekend. we talk about all things without being insecure or ashamed.

i love the way i am now, and i don't intend to change things the way they are--the way i am.

Norwegian Wood

recently i read this novel:

Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami

i am not good with words, so how can i put it...
this book is beautiful, wonderful.
it is simple, yet deep. exciting, yet devastating. modest, yet complicated. silent, yet poignant.
it's depressing yet impressing.

so this is the synopsis:

Toru has his heart on Naoko, but they relationship is marked by the death of a dear friend of theirs. And while Toru began to adapt to the his new life as they entered college, Naoko, on the contrary, can barely bear the pressure of life. And while Toru patiently waits for Naoko, he can't help it but finding himself drawn to this cheerful girl, Midori.

the author pictures the simple college life of Toru and people surrounding him, but somehow i found it exciting to read. it feels so real that it amazes me, it feels so real that i have this feeling 'so what did i read all this time? they feels so fake'
and when you get the impression of 'oh, so this is just a love story' yeah that's true, this is a love story, but it's not entirely true either. this book is deeper than just a love story.


so i love these lines:

"If you only read the books that everyone else is reading, you can only think what everyone else is thinking."

“Nobody likes being alone that much. I don't go out of my way to make friends, that's all. It just leads to disappointment.”

“I was always hungry for love. Just once, I wanted to know what it was like to get my fill of it -- to be fed so much love I couldn't take any more. Just once.”

“Something inside me had dropped away, and nothing came in to fill the cavern."

"I don't care what you do to me, but i don't want you to hurt me. I've had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now i want to be happy."

"Don't feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that."



and this is one of the conversation i love the most:

T: "Waiting for perfect love?"

M: "No, even I know better than that. I'm looking for selfishness. Like, say I tell you I want to eat strawberry shortcake. And you stop everything you're doing and run out and buy it for me. And you come back out of breath and get down on your knees and hold this strawberry shortcake out to me. And I say I don't want it anymore and throw it out the window. That's what I'm looking for.” 


so i think this relationship with Murakami is worth to try. Gonna hunt for his other books soon! <3

seemingly impossible pursuit

do you ever feel like, somehow you don't belong anywhere you are now?

like no one can match you. no one can fit you.

no one can fully understand you, while you desperately want to be understood.

and all days just went away without meaning

laughters just felt at the very moment

and when you go back home it all clung to oblivion, let you to dwell in sadness and despair again, of finding that one person who can fully understand you.

that is, your 'kind'.

have you ever imagined to meet this man, your 'kind'?

be it a girl or boy

you imagined that they can guess precisely what's on your mind. what music you listen right now. what interests you right now. simply because he/she feels alike!

you imagined that you will have a long talk with them. for hours. talking about things you both have in common. from fashion taste to political view.

for you he/she is a human form of perfection, a human form of your muse.

and you decide that finally, you got someone who can be your friend for life.

if that person is a girl, you would want her to be your friend for the rest of your life. sharing apartment while you're both still single, shopping and clubbing together, and when you're both married, enrolling your children to the same school, going to spa together while talking about your husband, marriage life, or career life, or whatever. and that goes on till you're both old. :)

if that person is a boy, you hope that he can be your best friend, your lover, your guidance, your everything. and you can spend your lifetime together, with slight quarellings that do nothing but attach you both more and more.

and so, i decided that i am on my way to pursue that person.

i'm getting bored of talking about boys and make ups

lately i've been trying to be more concerned about national issues in Indonesia.

you know, everyone in my Twitter timeline talks about it everyday, and they say "you are not an economic student if you don't pay more attention to our country's issues" so i'm kinda embarrassed if i don't keep my self up to date (although it's still hard for me because i am not really into those stuffs)

but i try anyway... read some online articles and news... and guess what?

i ended up being disgusted and pessimistic about this country.

first, there are so many corruption issues these days. let it from PKS, Democrat Party, etc etc. even a friend said "everyone is involved, it's just a matter of turn of who is discovered one after another." it's sad that this country, given those immoral leaders, can no longer accommodate us civilians. all they think about is how to make themselves richer day by day (by immoral ways!)

second, it is clearly shown that our politicians and senate members do not fit their positions at all. in dialogues or news articles they always give inappropriate, even stupid answers. it's sad that they are sitting in their chairs just because they have more money and power (which they got from corrupting).

third, so many injustice neglected yet our leader does nothing to fix this. for example, a corruptor is sentenced three years in jail for corrupting billions of rupiahs while an old hag is sentenced a year for stealing some cocoa from her neighbor's garden.

this nation is sick. yes, this BIG nation. our leaders keep leeching from us taxpayers. our media are not free from influence anymore, making it harder to trust them. those politicians keep outsmarting the less educated ones (who always vote for leaders with looks not brains) which results in having the same classic weak presidents from corrupt parties. those who are less fortunate practically don't stand a chance--if not miracles--to upgrade their quality of living. the education quality here is poor--yes, just because it is provided by governors for free, we who can pay for better education quality in private schools/high quality public schools (see? even those who wants to enroll to a higher quality public school have to pay more) can see clearly that those schools are of poor quality. no decent library, labs, internet facility, etc, not to mention the ridiculous curriculum that results in how our students just attend school to get good scores (which forces them to do cheating, teacher bribery, etc).

well i have to admit that i am a lucky brat to get to enroll in my current university, and thus, have myself surrounded by highly educated people. some of which are dreaming to fix this big mistakes and systems. but me? no baby... you can't blame my apathy. and as i mentioned before, i am already pessimistic about this country.

there's no narration without conclusion, right? forgive my long boring blabbing :) in short, i think what this country needs is a fresh, youth, independent, and honest leaders. the problem is, we all know that the politics world are very dirty. it's very hard to keep your idealism and honesty with corrupt environment around alluring you to join the systematic corruptions. that's why i don't fully blame our leader--that is, our president--for doing nothing in spite of this systematic mistakes. what can we expect from our current president anyway?

and yes, only God can make miracles. and for me it doesn't seem like that miracle will occur any time soon.

what do you think? :)

P.S.: i'm writing this just to pour my so called concerns which is hard to discuss because no close ones around me seemed to care more than me. and because i write this with insufficient information i am apologizing if there is any of my words which doesn't fit your thoughts, of course, if your argument are based of trusted sources. i would even be thankful if you can share some of your thoughts with me.