For those who were once heartbroken

Find love when you are most skeptical about it.
Find love
   when you do not need it
   when you are okay walking into a diner and
      eating on the bar, letting the waiter choose the menu for you
      and listening to them about everything they have to tell--
      maybe they are tired
      of feeling lonely, not having anyone to talk to behind the bar
      while watching so many people walk in, eat, and go.
   when you find it increasingly releasing, going to cinema alone
   when you can take care of
      yourself.
   when you do not really need sex
      or when you do, having it with your casual friend
      and do not really feel the need to engage your emotions in it
      (in short, a sex without loud moans)
   when you made peace that you are not really lovable
      (you have flaws, you know)
   when you have done the rounds of hating yourself,
      and realizing you have only you. (self-hating is a very cruel, though sometimes artsy.)
   when you realized we are born and we will die alone
      and people overromanticize people who accompany them in the time between
 
   when you are content with who you are and what you have--you.

Find love
   when someone lingers around, tickling your contentment
   when along the happiness he/she brings,
      also comes safety
   when you are reminded or your long-lost dream of ideal love

--when you don't think about him/her
   with guilt
   with fear
   with hopelessness
   of a hoping heart, built from the ashes of burning self-hating, torn again.
   --

That's the best time to find love.

self control / music

so recently i am determined not to open my Path account anymore(for foreign readers, in case you don't know, Path is a trending social media in my country, Indonesia).
no special reason... just want to be less attached to my gadget :)
errr no. actually i have another reason--i don't feel like knowing my friends' updates.
at first it's fun, knowing what people around me are doing; it helps me keeping up with latest updates and gossips around. but lately people are updating useless shits--spamming with unnecessary updates, bragging about fancy places and things, posting love quotes, even going not-so-frontally upset without mentioning the people they are upset to (re: bikin status ngomel sok frontal tapi no mention)(!)(omg what are you? high school student?). anyway i had enough of those people--not the people, some of them are still my real-life friends, but you know... they are so different in social media and i decided i better befriend them in real life. their updates are not really important anyway... i could still ask them personally if i really want to know. not that i want to know every single thing they do every time, right.
the problem is, it is slightly boring without Path to open in my spare time (haha! i know you wanna say something). and sometimes i still have urge to tell the world what i am doing at a time (you must think i am an exhibitionist, but that is a quality every Path user has, like, of course right? bragging is what Path was made for ;p)
but well... i decided it is not a good habit to be to attached to social media whatever the reasons are. so yeah i'm sticking to my determination. actually i don't think i can log out for good (which is why i haven't deleted my account yet) but i hope this is for good. i think my life gained a bit more of peace ever since i don't open my Path--i don't really feel curious about what people are doing (i really do when i am still active on Path. i open Path like, every ten minutes when i don't do anything :s), and because i don't know what people brag about, i don't think anything negative towards people who post shitty, unnecessary stuffs like i told you before, like "i'm tired of A updating her...." or "i bet B's updating this to get sympathies!" (actually i am also tired of myself thinking negative about those people, i mean, technically A B or those people have done nothing wrong to me). i feel slightly more relieved :)
.
.
.
which is why i'm updating my blog right now. i'm bored :( but actually i'm in the middle of doing my Research Method assignment, so make it bored and depressed :(

anyway, right now i am soooo into Bon Iver, Epik High, and Banks (preferentially ordered).
Bon Iver--i told you, everyone can sing, some can entertain, but only this one cures. Cures me from what, i don't know... i feel sad every time i hear their songs, but i always feel better afterwards. you should listen to I Can't Make You Love Me / Nick of Time omg it melts my heart, omg.
Epik High is as epik as ever--their songs are the only rap songs i listen to, and even if they are rapping i still feel relaxed every time i listen to them continuously, i don't know why, maybe because of the tone of their songs--it's highly melancholic, even in major keys you can still feel sad. i love them. i haven't had the chance to read the book written by Tablo, awww i should get it on the bookstore soon. oh ya, actually what makes me really into them lately is because they released a new album--SHOEBOX! i love half the songs, the rest are just so so i think. but i love them, i love Epik High!
Banks is like ordinary singer (umm, not so ordinary actually) i listen to. her voice is very, very good, and i am an addict for her song Brain, but i get the feeling i will be bored before long... hahaha. but Banks is definitely something. her voice is really good and her songs are unique. if you like... Lana Del Rey, maybe? you will find Banks entertaining.

okay. will be back to my assignments. maybe i will talk about something else in near days to come if i am still as bored! hehe. catch u folks later. ;)

the fictitious science of being alone

i know i am a weird person,

i am a girl of contradiction

but this one is probably the weirdest thing of me:

i hate being alone as much as i need it.

i hate being alone

because

when i am alone, i will remember all the bad times i was through. i will remember how my heart was broken. i will remember how sadness suffocates me. i will remember things i can't have. i will curse things i had. i can't thank God for other countless grace He gave to me. i can't think clearly. and then the thought of having no one scares me.

i hate being alone, so much

as i need being alone

sometimes i'm tired of dealing with people. how i want them to be--and how they fail me. how i expect them to be and how they don't meet my expectation. how bad they can treat me, and how much i wish i could treat them the same. how weak i am for thinking i still need them, which in fact i do, while at the same time hating it.

.

not that i hate anyone. as if i can hate. sometimes i wish i can hate.

i hope i can sleep forever, but that means i'm dead, and i don't want to die yet. i still have dreams to catch.

life goes on, and all i ever hope is happiness > sadness in life

day by day

so here's my short term plans. i aim to be a better me. of course happiness comes first! :D

1. eat less snacks, consume more veggies and meats (especially fish).
2. stop spending uncontrollably on little things like taking ojek anywhere in walking distance, snacks, random body care products i don't really use, and so on.
3. stop taking little orders (although they make some cash). focus on study and assignments.
4. start planning about final assignment next year.
5. spare some minutes to walk anywhere reachable by foot.
6. eat fancy, but only in places i really want to try.
7. spare some time to read before going to bed.
8. spare some time to watch 1-5 films per week.
9. spend some time (if available) to sleep.
10. use body lotion everyday.
11. take my time when bathing. warm water is really a pleasure when enjoyed at night.
12. eat main course regularly, twice a day, at (around) 10-12 am and 5-7 pm.
13. bring lunch from home when i can. you can't trust street foods nowadays; besides, it helps you save money.

everyday i thought that each day should be better than the previous one, and i should be better too. i hope posting this can help me remember my vision! :)

good to see pictures alive

it's been very long since my last post. i mean, even my last post was about 2013 review.... what?

it's not like i miss blogging, actually... but this time i just wanna share something that bad.

jeng-jeng. ta-daah.
so i have new hobby -- watching movies! :)
watching movies has never been my kind of thing before. i like going to cinema, but of course it's just a way to spend time with friends. true that sometimes i'm curious about the film, but nah, i wasn't really into movies before.
then i know this particular senior i met in one of my committee, JGTC, at the year 2012. she brought us team building -- she arranged us a movie-and-dinner day out. we watched the movie Confessions (Kokuhaku) (2010) and the movie is that good!!! umm i think writing about the movie would be pretty much a hassle for me, so you can google it yourself....but it's about crime-thriller, and if you like that sort of genre, i bet you'll love that movie. once more, it's THAT GOOD.
so anyway i know then she is a moviegoer. and some of my team members slash friends start watching movies, too.
no, i don't fall in love into movies immediately. in fact i just start watching movies recently. but i must admit that i know i'm gonna have something with movies the moment i watched that film Confessions. i mean, i don't know that there are actually movies that good out there. oh, how great human inventions are.
then i experienced indescribable boredom at some time in months ago. that's when i'm thinking about watching movies. and i asked my senior for movie recommendations.
and na-ah, actually the movies she recommended were not as good as Confessions. but she recommended unique, weird films, and those films opened my eyes that there are so many aspects of films to adore than just CGI, good timely plot, cool action scenes, and so on.
at this point, if you don't understand what i'm saying, i'm sorry, tee-hee. i don't know how to put it into words; let's just say that movies are more than what you usually see in cinemas. If they never amuse you that much, like, it still haunts you days or weeks afterwards, it's because they are not that good. I'm talking about mind-blowing movies here. Trust me. Especially movies nowadays: remakes. Adaptations. Sequels. And other oh-so-commercials. Okay you can take one example: Amazing Spiderman? .....ewwrr.
Okay, not all cinema movies are that bad, or generally bad. In fact, there are great movies in cinema, too, you can try the award-winning movies. (PS: i am thinking about Spike Jonze's Her (2013) right now!) But if you want to see the beauty of movies, try movies that are not on cinemas. you can try those created by renowned director like Stanley Kubrick or Martin Scorsese. or you try watch movies that are recommended in movie forums. or you can try festival films (mostly foreign language films), indie films, and so on.
I can't guarantee you those movies are good, but i can guarantee that watching those movies will give you new experience in movies. and hopefully you will fall in love with movies like i do! it's always good to love something new.

Umm i think i can recommend you some:
Grave of the Fireflies (1988)
Breaking the Waves (1996)
Jude (1996)
Green Mile (1999)

Requiem for a Dream (2000)

Dancer In The Dark (2000)

Million Dollar Baby (2004)

The Skin I Live In (2011)

since i am also a beginner in movies, i am open to critics and recommendations :)

reflection

hi! so long.

i know it's kinda lame to talk about 2013 by now, but whatever, i feel like i have to do this.

so!

so many happiness and sadness, ups and downs, in 2013, like any other year, but clearly 2013 is not my best year--not one of my favorite year.

in the beginning of 2013, i decided to stop living in the dorm. the reason is very simple: i can't keep my room clean and i'm sick of it. you are not the first to say i'm really silly, thank you. but it bothers me a lot, so yeah i moved! yaaay.

and commuting to my campus everyday is really something. it is really, REALLY tiresome. i spend around 3-4 hours a day, and for me it's a big deal, but moving back to dorm for me is unimaginable...so i chose to (wo)man up! and continue my commuting life....orz.... luckily in my 5th term i find a friend who shares the same way home and sometimes i go home with him. it's kinda helpful, teehee.

committees.

NFF was held in March (or April i didn't really remember) and it was truly remarkable. i got some of my best shots ever! :) you can see it in my previous post about NFF.

and then i joined two more commitees, my last committees.

one of them was OPK. it's a committee that is formed annually to organize initiation for freshmen. i joined for fun, and it was! :).

another one was Jazz Goes To Campus! this time i was the Vice Coordinator of Visual Communication Design. i must admit that i wasn't doing my best and i'm somewhat disappointed. the event went well though.

i'm glad my first ever planned trip with my high school friends went smoothly. we went to Jogjakarta, yay! those four days was truly remarkable, i was really happy. i love Jogjakarta and i love visiting that lovely town with my friends.

and...ta-da...achievement unlocked, my GPA has sunk to the new low this year in 5th term. it really, really disappointed me. i also admit that i put so little effort to get good grades and i regret it. :( this should be a reminder for me to do better this year. ha!

and why is this year not my favorite?

because i feel like wasting the whole year, not doing or achieving anything that makes me happy or proud. i didn't feel alive. i didn't put my best effort on anything. look at my GPA for instant, i effortlessly achieved that lowest GPA ever.

and then! i stopped learning photography. i stopped learning graphic design. i stopped drawing, for god's sake, i didn't spend time as much as i should on my hobbies and interests. i feel like a crap. i even feel sorry for myself.

-----

i self-promised this year my grades should go up again. and investing more time on my hobbies is a must. and  yes, i should read more books this year! and i have to try to read history. hmm.

2014, be good!

emotions

to sum up my recent days.

1. i'm happy when i eat sweets. lately i've been taking dose of sweets--cakes, candies, fried banana with cheese and milk, brownies, ice creams, chocobars, you name it. sometimes i even replace my meal with sweets. i know it is not healthy but i don't careeeeee i love sweets. 

2. i'm envious to my friends who majors in arts. architecture, product design, visual comm design, and so on... they're there making some fascinating works while i'm here making accounting journals. kinda sucks to think about it.

3. i'm excited about American Horror Story: Coven. as much as it gets sicker, it gets harder to wait for next eps! this season is about witchcraft and although i'm not really into that genre, i love the actors/actresses (Jessica Lange is stunning as always! Taissa x Evan FTW! and i love Angela Bassett and Kathy Bates too!). besides, could anything go bad under Ryan Murphy's midas touch? :)

4. i'm disgusted with myself for some reasons i can't explain here.

5. i'm stressed looking at my account balance aaarrrgh i spend so much on foods and sweets x(

hahahaha. see you!