the nature of one

maybe i am originally an introvert. or i begin to be one--i don't know.

since i stepped into this so-called campus life, i don't go outside that much. college keeps my hands pretty busy.

but, when i feel like going outside, i began to hanging out alone. eating alone, going to cinema alone (this one is not recommended), shopping alone (if not with mom), etc.

it all started like this --

when i was in high school, i lived in Bogor, so my high school friends are all in Bogor.

and suddenly my family decided to move to Serpong, where i don't know anyone. i could hardly make friends here. i don't join any community, group, club, or attend any course, class, anything that could introduce me to new people. yes, i am alone in this damned town.

i made some friends in university, but nobody i know lives in my town. and i'm like, shit, why--among so many university friends who came from various places--nobody lives in the same place as me?

and so i've got nobody nearby to hang out with. i think it's too much of an effort to go to Bogor and other cities by train (which can take two hours or more) just to sip iced coffee and go to cinema with some friends.

i didn't quite enjoy being alone. at first. especially because the circumstances force you to.

but lately, there's some kind of relief, or comfort, every time i am alone. at weekend, i value to do these things more--sleep, read books, surf in the internet for long, long hours, etc. things i can't afford to do in my weekdays.

i don't feel any urge to meet my high school friends. i mean, sometimes i miss them, but somehow i don't miss them that much. we could interact via social network or chat apps, anyway. besides, many of them don't really put any effort to meet me, though. just as i do. they got new friends, so do i. besides, i hung out with them too much back then, so if we meet again every weekend and go to the same mall all over again, it's just boring.

with my new college friends? well, we meet everyday, go to same classes everyday, so why bother to meet in weekend if we will meet again for the next five days? and we still could use chat apps when urgent.

i don't know. maybe these are symptoms of being an introvert? or did i just not realize it back then? but i feel comfortable this way. i enjoy spending my time with mom every weekend. we talk about all things without being insecure or ashamed.

i love the way i am now, and i don't intend to change things the way they are--the way i am.

Norwegian Wood

recently i read this novel:

Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami

i am not good with words, so how can i put it...
this book is beautiful, wonderful.
it is simple, yet deep. exciting, yet devastating. modest, yet complicated. silent, yet poignant.
it's depressing yet impressing.

so this is the synopsis:

Toru has his heart on Naoko, but they relationship is marked by the death of a dear friend of theirs. And while Toru began to adapt to the his new life as they entered college, Naoko, on the contrary, can barely bear the pressure of life. And while Toru patiently waits for Naoko, he can't help it but finding himself drawn to this cheerful girl, Midori.

the author pictures the simple college life of Toru and people surrounding him, but somehow i found it exciting to read. it feels so real that it amazes me, it feels so real that i have this feeling 'so what did i read all this time? they feels so fake'
and when you get the impression of 'oh, so this is just a love story' yeah that's true, this is a love story, but it's not entirely true either. this book is deeper than just a love story.


so i love these lines:

"If you only read the books that everyone else is reading, you can only think what everyone else is thinking."

“Nobody likes being alone that much. I don't go out of my way to make friends, that's all. It just leads to disappointment.”

“I was always hungry for love. Just once, I wanted to know what it was like to get my fill of it -- to be fed so much love I couldn't take any more. Just once.”

“Something inside me had dropped away, and nothing came in to fill the cavern."

"I don't care what you do to me, but i don't want you to hurt me. I've had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now i want to be happy."

"Don't feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that."



and this is one of the conversation i love the most:

T: "Waiting for perfect love?"

M: "No, even I know better than that. I'm looking for selfishness. Like, say I tell you I want to eat strawberry shortcake. And you stop everything you're doing and run out and buy it for me. And you come back out of breath and get down on your knees and hold this strawberry shortcake out to me. And I say I don't want it anymore and throw it out the window. That's what I'm looking for.” 


so i think this relationship with Murakami is worth to try. Gonna hunt for his other books soon! <3

seemingly impossible pursuit

do you ever feel like, somehow you don't belong anywhere you are now?

like no one can match you. no one can fit you.

no one can fully understand you, while you desperately want to be understood.

and all days just went away without meaning

laughters just felt at the very moment

and when you go back home it all clung to oblivion, let you to dwell in sadness and despair again, of finding that one person who can fully understand you.

that is, your 'kind'.

have you ever imagined to meet this man, your 'kind'?

be it a girl or boy

you imagined that they can guess precisely what's on your mind. what music you listen right now. what interests you right now. simply because he/she feels alike!

you imagined that you will have a long talk with them. for hours. talking about things you both have in common. from fashion taste to political view.

for you he/she is a human form of perfection, a human form of your muse.

and you decide that finally, you got someone who can be your friend for life.

if that person is a girl, you would want her to be your friend for the rest of your life. sharing apartment while you're both still single, shopping and clubbing together, and when you're both married, enrolling your children to the same school, going to spa together while talking about your husband, marriage life, or career life, or whatever. and that goes on till you're both old. :)

if that person is a boy, you hope that he can be your best friend, your lover, your guidance, your everything. and you can spend your lifetime together, with slight quarellings that do nothing but attach you both more and more.

and so, i decided that i am on my way to pursue that person.