blurry vision

I feel like a broken battery.

My daily life always exhausts me. I don't know why--I can never get enough energy to face every single day with a fresh mind. Every day passes by like wave that touches sand and slowly disappears in beaches--it never leaves a profound impression. Every morning I would wake up because I have to, not because I want to. And every night I will crawl into my bed hoping tomorrow would be different, but nothing really happens.

I feel like jogging.

I can't remember since when I begin to run, and everyone tells me to just keep running because that's what jogging is all about. But no one bothers to accompany me or tell me where to go.

I can't see where I'm heading, there's no finish line. I'm too afraid to stop, I'm afraid people will say I haven't run long enough; my effort is not big enough.

I feel so lost.

I don't hate my life, I don't see any reason why. But I can't tell I love my life either. It's more like I don't know what a lovable life is. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what I want. I don't know what my future is supposed to be. I don't know anything.

It's like slowly losing my soul. How could you live a life with no desire?

conditional love

i love words, exquisite arrange of words. be it in books, song lyrics, film scripts or anything.
but if i said i could not get the beauty of Dante's poems, people would say i'm just a shallow girl who freaks over anything new i read.

i love songs, good songs. i am never into a singer or band that much, but if i love many of their songs, for me that is enough to say i love them.
but some people say that if we love a particular singer we should have known their full discography. or go to their concerts. or buy some of their albums.

i love artworks. i simply love beautiful graphic designs, animations, paintings, drawings, photographs that i happen to see.
but you know, sometimes for other artwork enthusiasts it's not enough. loving artworks means you have to know the history of renowned painters from time to time. or elements in graphic designs. or who made this, who made that, what's your favorite artists. blabla.

i love my country. i always yearn for this country to be a successful industrial country, free from corruption, and so on. true that i used to regret for having born in this country, but now i don't... maybe as i grow up i realized this country has so much more to love. maybe as i grow up i realize i was born here to be a part of Indonesia's recovery.
but true that i am sometimes pessimistic. isn't it normal, given this country's condition? but they say this country has no use of pessimistic people.

i love so many things.
but why, in this world full of hatred, do people define love as a difficult thing--that love is something not every people could afford?

i just want to love simply, as simple as curling my lips and making a smile whenever those things make me happy.

insomnia

kali ini saya akan menulis dalam bahasa indonesia, karena post kali ini saya tujukan bagi remaja-remaja indonesia alay yang sering mengaku bahwa dirinya insomnia.
mengapa saya sangat tidak suka sekali dengan remaja-remaja ini? karena mereka menganggap insomnia seperti sesuatu yang keren dan happening, padahal saya sendiri mengalami gangguan tidur (bukan insomnia) dan sama sekali tidak menganggap itu keren. gangguan tidur seringkali merusak hari saya.


INSOMNIA
kalian dapat membacanya lebih detail di sini, tapi saya singkat di post ini agar kalian (mudah-mudahan) tidak malas membacanya.

1. insomnia adalah gangguan tidur yang membuat orang sulit jatuh tertidur, atau tidur selama yang ia harapkan.
jadi, orang-orang ini memang sulit jatuh tertidur, walaupun mereka sudah berbaring di tempat tidur, lampu mati, tempat tidur nyaman, dan lain-lain. pokoknya sekondusif apapun lingkungan tidur mereka, mereka susah tidur. jadi kalau kalian tidak tidur karena masih main internet, buka Twitter, kepo orang, main game, dan lain-lain, itu namanya bukan insomnia. selain sulit jatuh tertidur, bisa juga ia sulit menjaga agar ia tertidur selama yang ia harapkan, dengan kata lain, ia bisa terbangun sebelum waktunya. dan bila terbangun seperti itu, ia akan sulit tertidur lagi.

2. jam tidur yang bergeser sering disalahartikan sebagai insomnia.
mungkin kalian pikir, orang insomnia normal kalau bangunnya siang, wong mereka seringkali tidur pagi. nah, kalau seseorang tidur pagi tapi bangunnya juga siang, kemungkinan besar jam tidur orang tersebut bergeser (delayed sleep phase disorder). banyak orang yang sering begadang mengalami hal ini. menurut Wikipedia, perbedaan pergeseran jam tidur dengan insomnia adalah, orang yang jam tidurnya bergeser gampang tidur lagi saat pagi/siang hari, sedangkan orang insomnia tetap sulit tidur. nah, jadi perhatikan kalian termasuk yang mana.

3. penyebab insomnia
insomnia ringan (atau dapat disebut kurang tidur - sleep deprivation) umumnya disebabkan oleh stress. penyebab-penyebab lainnya sangat beragam mulai dari konsumsi kafein berlebihan, latihan fisik berlebihan, kebisingan di lingkungan sekitar, penyalahgunaan obat-obatan (stimulan, pereda nyeri, sedatif, dan lain-lain), hormon, rasa sakit/nyeri, penyakit syaraf, jet lag, sampai kelainan jiwa. jadi sekali lagi, tidak bisa tidur karena main internet dan lain-lain bukan penyebab insomnia.

ya, itulah sedikit yang ingin saya sampaikan mengenai insomnia. dengan post ini saya harapkan kalian yang masih sering beranggapan bahwa kalian insomnia dapat berubah pikiran dan tidak sembarangan menyebut diri kalian insomnia, apalagi hanya karena kalian belum bisa tidur pukul 1 pagi.

bila kalian merasa bahwa kalian mengalami gangguan tidur, jangan semata-mata menganggap kalian menderita insomnia. bisa saja kalian menderita rasa kantuk berlebih saat siang hari (excessive daytime sleepiness), pergeseran jam tidur (sleep phase disorder), atau bahkan narkolepsi (narcolepsy), atau mungkin gangguan-gangguan lainnya seperti sleep apnea dan lain-lain.


sumber: Wikipedia
*)note: bila ada kesalahan pengetikan maupun informasi, silahkan beri komentar kalian di post ini.

a letter from your ordinary, quiet girl

uhm.

dear atheists,

look, i know that many of you is highly educated. you think a lot of things, yes. you try to match every phenomenons with logics and theories. and as you do so, you begin to question the relevance of God in our lives. and maybe you find God has nothing to do with this world. He is not creator; big bang theory can explain the creation of our Earth. He does not create humans; humans evolve from chimpanzees, at least that's what Darwin taught us. and there's your bio-genesis theory, explaining the origin of all living organisms. let's give applause for those people and their intelligence, shall we? thank you, scientists, for finding out those wonderful theories.

as for our lives, there's no explaining why we got our good and bad lucks, wonderful and terrible fates, right? it's just happening without us knowing why. and yeah... it's likely that we will have good things happening to us if we work hard and we have luck, and vice versa.

i still remember one of my friend said this to me: every man has to have something to believe in. oh wait, you believe in science? fellas, i do too. i believe in all things that make sense, i believe in all things that is scientifically proven. but you know, i also believe in Him, as all about Him is written in Holy Bible (i'm a Christian). to think about it, i don't even know what makes me believe in Him. maybe because my parents raise me that way? or maybe because believing God is ideal, they say? i don't know, but i keep believing in Him and His grace. i believe that life, world, galaxies, all phenomenons, things happened daily--all of it is controlled by something, and that thing has to be God. i believe that even those scientists can think about all those theories because God wanted them to.

i'm not a good disciple--not even close. i know sin will send me to hell, yet i still sin. nevertheless, i still need something to hold on and to believe in. don't you need one?

believing God would do no harm to you, so chillax. you won't lose anything even if in the end He does not exist. at least that's what your scientist, Pascal, said.

- from a not-so-well educated 19-yrs-old who does not read science books nor Holy Bible much

dear extremist who despise atheists,

why don't we make the world a better place by stopping judging atheists. after all every man has his own belief, and they occurred to believe in only science. but you people, i think you are delusional if you only think and act according to what's written in your religion holy guidebooks and, what's worse, God Himself.

first of all, just because a man does not believe in God doesn't mean he deserves all disgraces to happen upon them. after all God is something man made to ease all their curiosity and insecurity about hollowness left before they create a concept of God (at least this is what i know). it's man-made.

and believing God alone does not make you better of a human than an atheist is. remember, faith without action is death. what's the point of praising God if you still curse everyone who does bad to you? what's the point of saying God's name if you spread hatred towards everyone around you?

remember, they not believing God does not have anything to do with you. after all that's why it's called belief. let us make peace not war, let us spread love not hate. let's open up our mind and be anything but a bigot. let's tolerate difference more.

- from a girl who is pissed off seeing hypocrisy

You Already Know

i love this song a lot,

Bombay Bicycle Club - You Already Know

the lyric is so good that i want to share it here...

check it out

the moment we forgot we were just good friends

i moved my arm her face went red again

one more bus home 

another silent weekend

said love was painted gold

like all things growing old

the paint peels and slowly falls

you already know

looking out the glass

always sit together

we both know we could be someone better

not with our heads like London weather

said love was painted gold

like all things growing old

the paint peels and slowly falls

you already know

i always feel so gloomy every time i listen to this song.

it reminds me that nothing gold can stay; good times cannot last forever.

and i remember all good old times with all good old friends i ever had.

now that i remembered, it all feels like it happened long, long time ago, in some period of my life that i thought never existed

and i miss those moments so much it began to hurt, it really do.

the paint peels and slowly falls, i know.

7th National Folklore Festival

what is 7th National Folklore Festival (NFF)? it's a cultural event held by my faculty student senate (BEM FEUI). it consists of traditional dance and choir competition, held in three consecutive days.
in this committee i work in Documentation and Design (Docdes) division, in which i was the vice coordinator, with Danar as coordinator and Hanni, Adel, Hendy, and Santoso as my staffs.
at first, i didn't even know what NFF is. when my college friends formed this committee and persuaded me to be a part of them, i just said yes because i want to add my activity (that time, dude, i loved joining many committees). as simple as that.
of course i experienced some downs (and maybe...a few ups i could hardly recall?) at this committee. through nearly nine months of the making (this committee began working in July), there were times when i lacked motivation, or tired, or mad, and others. when D-day is coming i'm not even excited. i just wanted this to end as my last committee (which is later proven to be wrong lol)
and D-day came!
here are few words to describe it: beautiful, lovely, poignant, soul-opening
beautiful, because traditional dance and choir, i just realized at that point, is simply beautiful.
lovely, because i immediately fell in love with traditional culture much more than i ever did before.
poignant, because it was NFF which can make me love traditional culture deeper.
soul-opening, because it opened my heart and mind that traditional culture is simply dazzling and relieving.
i simply love the performances. it was, for God's sake, very, very, beautiful.
next year i would like to skip two days full of classes to watch next (8th) NFF made by my juniors. i love it so much i could never forget what i feel when i watch the performances.

here are some pictures i took:

LOVE.

occurrence of the right time

so yesssshhhhbaby it's holiday. when you got all the time in the world to jerk around! spread the love and happiness!

so i feel this importance to write my holiday bucket list so i could mark some accomplishment of my plans. here we go:

1. post about 7th NFF and all throwback events i feel like posting here
2. cut my hair shoulder long (oh well...)
3. learn to play guitar
4. draw and/or paint as much as i want! don't get your artistic soul rusty, Jude.
5. make a 5 days do-it-alone challenge and accomplish it
6. take photos as much as possible on my holiday trips
7. read books in '1000 books you must read before you die' as much as possible!
8. watch Game of Thrones!!! and other series i've been craving all this time
9. befriend someone in my neighborhood (i really doubt this though)
10. try making some DIY accessories
11. add at least one DIY decorative ornament in my room
12. try reading some historical literature
13. go to a place new
14. fix my biological clock
15. try jogging regularly in the morning
16. finish that anime series 'Monster'

aaaand to be continued!