a letter from your ordinary, quiet girl

uhm.

dear atheists,

look, i know that many of you is highly educated. you think a lot of things, yes. you try to match every phenomenons with logics and theories. and as you do so, you begin to question the relevance of God in our lives. and maybe you find God has nothing to do with this world. He is not creator; big bang theory can explain the creation of our Earth. He does not create humans; humans evolve from chimpanzees, at least that's what Darwin taught us. and there's your bio-genesis theory, explaining the origin of all living organisms. let's give applause for those people and their intelligence, shall we? thank you, scientists, for finding out those wonderful theories.

as for our lives, there's no explaining why we got our good and bad lucks, wonderful and terrible fates, right? it's just happening without us knowing why. and yeah... it's likely that we will have good things happening to us if we work hard and we have luck, and vice versa.

i still remember one of my friend said this to me: every man has to have something to believe in. oh wait, you believe in science? fellas, i do too. i believe in all things that make sense, i believe in all things that is scientifically proven. but you know, i also believe in Him, as all about Him is written in Holy Bible (i'm a Christian). to think about it, i don't even know what makes me believe in Him. maybe because my parents raise me that way? or maybe because believing God is ideal, they say? i don't know, but i keep believing in Him and His grace. i believe that life, world, galaxies, all phenomenons, things happened daily--all of it is controlled by something, and that thing has to be God. i believe that even those scientists can think about all those theories because God wanted them to.

i'm not a good disciple--not even close. i know sin will send me to hell, yet i still sin. nevertheless, i still need something to hold on and to believe in. don't you need one?

believing God would do no harm to you, so chillax. you won't lose anything even if in the end He does not exist. at least that's what your scientist, Pascal, said.

- from a not-so-well educated 19-yrs-old who does not read science books nor Holy Bible much

dear extremist who despise atheists,

why don't we make the world a better place by stopping judging atheists. after all every man has his own belief, and they occurred to believe in only science. but you people, i think you are delusional if you only think and act according to what's written in your religion holy guidebooks and, what's worse, God Himself.

first of all, just because a man does not believe in God doesn't mean he deserves all disgraces to happen upon them. after all God is something man made to ease all their curiosity and insecurity about hollowness left before they create a concept of God (at least this is what i know). it's man-made.

and believing God alone does not make you better of a human than an atheist is. remember, faith without action is death. what's the point of praising God if you still curse everyone who does bad to you? what's the point of saying God's name if you spread hatred towards everyone around you?

remember, they not believing God does not have anything to do with you. after all that's why it's called belief. let us make peace not war, let us spread love not hate. let's open up our mind and be anything but a bigot. let's tolerate difference more.

- from a girl who is pissed off seeing hypocrisy

You Already Know

i love this song a lot,

Bombay Bicycle Club - You Already Know

the lyric is so good that i want to share it here...

check it out

the moment we forgot we were just good friends

i moved my arm her face went red again

one more bus home 

another silent weekend

said love was painted gold

like all things growing old

the paint peels and slowly falls

you already know

looking out the glass

always sit together

we both know we could be someone better

not with our heads like London weather

said love was painted gold

like all things growing old

the paint peels and slowly falls

you already know

i always feel so gloomy every time i listen to this song.

it reminds me that nothing gold can stay; good times cannot last forever.

and i remember all good old times with all good old friends i ever had.

now that i remembered, it all feels like it happened long, long time ago, in some period of my life that i thought never existed

and i miss those moments so much it began to hurt, it really do.

the paint peels and slowly falls, i know.

7th National Folklore Festival

what is 7th National Folklore Festival (NFF)? it's a cultural event held by my faculty student senate (BEM FEUI). it consists of traditional dance and choir competition, held in three consecutive days.
in this committee i work in Documentation and Design (Docdes) division, in which i was the vice coordinator, with Danar as coordinator and Hanni, Adel, Hendy, and Santoso as my staffs.
at first, i didn't even know what NFF is. when my college friends formed this committee and persuaded me to be a part of them, i just said yes because i want to add my activity (that time, dude, i loved joining many committees). as simple as that.
of course i experienced some downs (and maybe...a few ups i could hardly recall?) at this committee. through nearly nine months of the making (this committee began working in July), there were times when i lacked motivation, or tired, or mad, and others. when D-day is coming i'm not even excited. i just wanted this to end as my last committee (which is later proven to be wrong lol)
and D-day came!
here are few words to describe it: beautiful, lovely, poignant, soul-opening
beautiful, because traditional dance and choir, i just realized at that point, is simply beautiful.
lovely, because i immediately fell in love with traditional culture much more than i ever did before.
poignant, because it was NFF which can make me love traditional culture deeper.
soul-opening, because it opened my heart and mind that traditional culture is simply dazzling and relieving.
i simply love the performances. it was, for God's sake, very, very, beautiful.
next year i would like to skip two days full of classes to watch next (8th) NFF made by my juniors. i love it so much i could never forget what i feel when i watch the performances.

here are some pictures i took:

LOVE.

occurrence of the right time

so yesssshhhhbaby it's holiday. when you got all the time in the world to jerk around! spread the love and happiness!

so i feel this importance to write my holiday bucket list so i could mark some accomplishment of my plans. here we go:

1. post about 7th NFF and all throwback events i feel like posting here
2. cut my hair shoulder long (oh well...)
3. learn to play guitar
4. draw and/or paint as much as i want! don't get your artistic soul rusty, Jude.
5. make a 5 days do-it-alone challenge and accomplish it
6. take photos as much as possible on my holiday trips
7. read books in '1000 books you must read before you die' as much as possible!
8. watch Game of Thrones!!! and other series i've been craving all this time
9. befriend someone in my neighborhood (i really doubt this though)
10. try making some DIY accessories
11. add at least one DIY decorative ornament in my room
12. try reading some historical literature
13. go to a place new
14. fix my biological clock
15. try jogging regularly in the morning
16. finish that anime series 'Monster'

aaaand to be continued!

the nature of one

maybe i am originally an introvert. or i begin to be one--i don't know.

since i stepped into this so-called campus life, i don't go outside that much. college keeps my hands pretty busy.

but, when i feel like going outside, i began to hanging out alone. eating alone, going to cinema alone (this one is not recommended), shopping alone (if not with mom), etc.

it all started like this --

when i was in high school, i lived in Bogor, so my high school friends are all in Bogor.

and suddenly my family decided to move to Serpong, where i don't know anyone. i could hardly make friends here. i don't join any community, group, club, or attend any course, class, anything that could introduce me to new people. yes, i am alone in this damned town.

i made some friends in university, but nobody i know lives in my town. and i'm like, shit, why--among so many university friends who came from various places--nobody lives in the same place as me?

and so i've got nobody nearby to hang out with. i think it's too much of an effort to go to Bogor and other cities by train (which can take two hours or more) just to sip iced coffee and go to cinema with some friends.

i didn't quite enjoy being alone. at first. especially because the circumstances force you to.

but lately, there's some kind of relief, or comfort, every time i am alone. at weekend, i value to do these things more--sleep, read books, surf in the internet for long, long hours, etc. things i can't afford to do in my weekdays.

i don't feel any urge to meet my high school friends. i mean, sometimes i miss them, but somehow i don't miss them that much. we could interact via social network or chat apps, anyway. besides, many of them don't really put any effort to meet me, though. just as i do. they got new friends, so do i. besides, i hung out with them too much back then, so if we meet again every weekend and go to the same mall all over again, it's just boring.

with my new college friends? well, we meet everyday, go to same classes everyday, so why bother to meet in weekend if we will meet again for the next five days? and we still could use chat apps when urgent.

i don't know. maybe these are symptoms of being an introvert? or did i just not realize it back then? but i feel comfortable this way. i enjoy spending my time with mom every weekend. we talk about all things without being insecure or ashamed.

i love the way i am now, and i don't intend to change things the way they are--the way i am.

Norwegian Wood

recently i read this novel:

Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami

i am not good with words, so how can i put it...
this book is beautiful, wonderful.
it is simple, yet deep. exciting, yet devastating. modest, yet complicated. silent, yet poignant.
it's depressing yet impressing.

so this is the synopsis:

Toru has his heart on Naoko, but they relationship is marked by the death of a dear friend of theirs. And while Toru began to adapt to the his new life as they entered college, Naoko, on the contrary, can barely bear the pressure of life. And while Toru patiently waits for Naoko, he can't help it but finding himself drawn to this cheerful girl, Midori.

the author pictures the simple college life of Toru and people surrounding him, but somehow i found it exciting to read. it feels so real that it amazes me, it feels so real that i have this feeling 'so what did i read all this time? they feels so fake'
and when you get the impression of 'oh, so this is just a love story' yeah that's true, this is a love story, but it's not entirely true either. this book is deeper than just a love story.


so i love these lines:

"If you only read the books that everyone else is reading, you can only think what everyone else is thinking."

“Nobody likes being alone that much. I don't go out of my way to make friends, that's all. It just leads to disappointment.”

“I was always hungry for love. Just once, I wanted to know what it was like to get my fill of it -- to be fed so much love I couldn't take any more. Just once.”

“Something inside me had dropped away, and nothing came in to fill the cavern."

"I don't care what you do to me, but i don't want you to hurt me. I've had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now i want to be happy."

"Don't feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that."



and this is one of the conversation i love the most:

T: "Waiting for perfect love?"

M: "No, even I know better than that. I'm looking for selfishness. Like, say I tell you I want to eat strawberry shortcake. And you stop everything you're doing and run out and buy it for me. And you come back out of breath and get down on your knees and hold this strawberry shortcake out to me. And I say I don't want it anymore and throw it out the window. That's what I'm looking for.” 


so i think this relationship with Murakami is worth to try. Gonna hunt for his other books soon! <3

seemingly impossible pursuit

do you ever feel like, somehow you don't belong anywhere you are now?

like no one can match you. no one can fit you.

no one can fully understand you, while you desperately want to be understood.

and all days just went away without meaning

laughters just felt at the very moment

and when you go back home it all clung to oblivion, let you to dwell in sadness and despair again, of finding that one person who can fully understand you.

that is, your 'kind'.

have you ever imagined to meet this man, your 'kind'?

be it a girl or boy

you imagined that they can guess precisely what's on your mind. what music you listen right now. what interests you right now. simply because he/she feels alike!

you imagined that you will have a long talk with them. for hours. talking about things you both have in common. from fashion taste to political view.

for you he/she is a human form of perfection, a human form of your muse.

and you decide that finally, you got someone who can be your friend for life.

if that person is a girl, you would want her to be your friend for the rest of your life. sharing apartment while you're both still single, shopping and clubbing together, and when you're both married, enrolling your children to the same school, going to spa together while talking about your husband, marriage life, or career life, or whatever. and that goes on till you're both old. :)

if that person is a boy, you hope that he can be your best friend, your lover, your guidance, your everything. and you can spend your lifetime together, with slight quarellings that do nothing but attach you both more and more.

and so, i decided that i am on my way to pursue that person.