i am a girl of contradiction
but this one is probably the weirdest thing of me:
i hate being alone as much as i need it.
i hate being alone
because
when i am alone, i will remember all the bad times i was through. i will remember how my heart was broken. i will remember how sadness suffocates me. i will remember things i can't have. i will curse things i had. i can't thank God for other countless grace He gave to me. i can't think clearly. and then the thought of having no one scares me.
i hate being alone, so much
as i need being alone
sometimes i'm tired of dealing with people. how i want them to be--and how they fail me. how i expect them to be and how they don't meet my expectation. how bad they can treat me, and how much i wish i could treat them the same. how weak i am for thinking i still need them, which in fact i do, while at the same time hating it.
.
not that i hate anyone. as if i can hate. sometimes i wish i can hate.
i hope i can sleep forever, but that means i'm dead, and i don't want to die yet. i still have dreams to catch.
life goes on, and all i ever hope is happiness > sadness in life
