reflection

hi! so long.

i know it's kinda lame to talk about 2013 by now, but whatever, i feel like i have to do this.

so!

so many happiness and sadness, ups and downs, in 2013, like any other year, but clearly 2013 is not my best year--not one of my favorite year.

in the beginning of 2013, i decided to stop living in the dorm. the reason is very simple: i can't keep my room clean and i'm sick of it. you are not the first to say i'm really silly, thank you. but it bothers me a lot, so yeah i moved! yaaay.

and commuting to my campus everyday is really something. it is really, REALLY tiresome. i spend around 3-4 hours a day, and for me it's a big deal, but moving back to dorm for me is unimaginable...so i chose to (wo)man up! and continue my commuting life....orz.... luckily in my 5th term i find a friend who shares the same way home and sometimes i go home with him. it's kinda helpful, teehee.

committees.

NFF was held in March (or April i didn't really remember) and it was truly remarkable. i got some of my best shots ever! :) you can see it in my previous post about NFF.

and then i joined two more commitees, my last committees.

one of them was OPK. it's a committee that is formed annually to organize initiation for freshmen. i joined for fun, and it was! :).

another one was Jazz Goes To Campus! this time i was the Vice Coordinator of Visual Communication Design. i must admit that i wasn't doing my best and i'm somewhat disappointed. the event went well though.

i'm glad my first ever planned trip with my high school friends went smoothly. we went to Jogjakarta, yay! those four days was truly remarkable, i was really happy. i love Jogjakarta and i love visiting that lovely town with my friends.

and...ta-da...achievement unlocked, my GPA has sunk to the new low this year in 5th term. it really, really disappointed me. i also admit that i put so little effort to get good grades and i regret it. :( this should be a reminder for me to do better this year. ha!

and why is this year not my favorite?

because i feel like wasting the whole year, not doing or achieving anything that makes me happy or proud. i didn't feel alive. i didn't put my best effort on anything. look at my GPA for instant, i effortlessly achieved that lowest GPA ever.

and then! i stopped learning photography. i stopped learning graphic design. i stopped drawing, for god's sake, i didn't spend time as much as i should on my hobbies and interests. i feel like a crap. i even feel sorry for myself.

-----

i self-promised this year my grades should go up again. and investing more time on my hobbies is a must. and  yes, i should read more books this year! and i have to try to read history. hmm.

2014, be good!

emotions

to sum up my recent days.

1. i'm happy when i eat sweets. lately i've been taking dose of sweets--cakes, candies, fried banana with cheese and milk, brownies, ice creams, chocobars, you name it. sometimes i even replace my meal with sweets. i know it is not healthy but i don't careeeeee i love sweets. 

2. i'm envious to my friends who majors in arts. architecture, product design, visual comm design, and so on... they're there making some fascinating works while i'm here making accounting journals. kinda sucks to think about it.

3. i'm excited about American Horror Story: Coven. as much as it gets sicker, it gets harder to wait for next eps! this season is about witchcraft and although i'm not really into that genre, i love the actors/actresses (Jessica Lange is stunning as always! Taissa x Evan FTW! and i love Angela Bassett and Kathy Bates too!). besides, could anything go bad under Ryan Murphy's midas touch? :)

4. i'm disgusted with myself for some reasons i can't explain here.

5. i'm stressed looking at my account balance aaarrrgh i spend so much on foods and sweets x(

hahahaha. see you!

my recent mornings

a spoonful of sugar

sweet pastries
sleeping
watching tv and curling on couch
weekends
anything banana flavored
music
AHS Coven long awaited premiere!!
crying. remedy.


a cup of bitter espresso

knowing Dexter will end this Sunday
obscure subjects in this term
piles of tasks
catching cold easily
losing a friend
feeling lonely


and i take the usual morning bus...

Take my mind and take my pain
Like an empty bottle takes the rain
And heal.

please just let me cry a little bit more. and more, and more.

i don't need any shoulders; both of my knees are enough.

blurry vision

I feel like a broken battery.

My daily life always exhausts me. I don't know why--I can never get enough energy to face every single day with a fresh mind. Every day passes by like wave that touches sand and slowly disappears in beaches--it never leaves a profound impression. Every morning I would wake up because I have to, not because I want to. And every night I will crawl into my bed hoping tomorrow would be different, but nothing really happens.

I feel like jogging.

I can't remember since when I begin to run, and everyone tells me to just keep running because that's what jogging is all about. But no one bothers to accompany me or tell me where to go.

I can't see where I'm heading, there's no finish line. I'm too afraid to stop, I'm afraid people will say I haven't run long enough; my effort is not big enough.

I feel so lost.

I don't hate my life, I don't see any reason why. But I can't tell I love my life either. It's more like I don't know what a lovable life is. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what I want. I don't know what my future is supposed to be. I don't know anything.

It's like slowly losing my soul. How could you live a life with no desire?

conditional love

i love words, exquisite arrange of words. be it in books, song lyrics, film scripts or anything.
but if i said i could not get the beauty of Dante's poems, people would say i'm just a shallow girl who freaks over anything new i read.

i love songs, good songs. i am never into a singer or band that much, but if i love many of their songs, for me that is enough to say i love them.
but some people say that if we love a particular singer we should have known their full discography. or go to their concerts. or buy some of their albums.

i love artworks. i simply love beautiful graphic designs, animations, paintings, drawings, photographs that i happen to see.
but you know, sometimes for other artwork enthusiasts it's not enough. loving artworks means you have to know the history of renowned painters from time to time. or elements in graphic designs. or who made this, who made that, what's your favorite artists. blabla.

i love my country. i always yearn for this country to be a successful industrial country, free from corruption, and so on. true that i used to regret for having born in this country, but now i don't... maybe as i grow up i realized this country has so much more to love. maybe as i grow up i realize i was born here to be a part of Indonesia's recovery.
but true that i am sometimes pessimistic. isn't it normal, given this country's condition? but they say this country has no use of pessimistic people.

i love so many things.
but why, in this world full of hatred, do people define love as a difficult thing--that love is something not every people could afford?

i just want to love simply, as simple as curling my lips and making a smile whenever those things make me happy.

insomnia

kali ini saya akan menulis dalam bahasa indonesia, karena post kali ini saya tujukan bagi remaja-remaja indonesia alay yang sering mengaku bahwa dirinya insomnia.
mengapa saya sangat tidak suka sekali dengan remaja-remaja ini? karena mereka menganggap insomnia seperti sesuatu yang keren dan happening, padahal saya sendiri mengalami gangguan tidur (bukan insomnia) dan sama sekali tidak menganggap itu keren. gangguan tidur seringkali merusak hari saya.


INSOMNIA
kalian dapat membacanya lebih detail di sini, tapi saya singkat di post ini agar kalian (mudah-mudahan) tidak malas membacanya.

1. insomnia adalah gangguan tidur yang membuat orang sulit jatuh tertidur, atau tidur selama yang ia harapkan.
jadi, orang-orang ini memang sulit jatuh tertidur, walaupun mereka sudah berbaring di tempat tidur, lampu mati, tempat tidur nyaman, dan lain-lain. pokoknya sekondusif apapun lingkungan tidur mereka, mereka susah tidur. jadi kalau kalian tidak tidur karena masih main internet, buka Twitter, kepo orang, main game, dan lain-lain, itu namanya bukan insomnia. selain sulit jatuh tertidur, bisa juga ia sulit menjaga agar ia tertidur selama yang ia harapkan, dengan kata lain, ia bisa terbangun sebelum waktunya. dan bila terbangun seperti itu, ia akan sulit tertidur lagi.

2. jam tidur yang bergeser sering disalahartikan sebagai insomnia.
mungkin kalian pikir, orang insomnia normal kalau bangunnya siang, wong mereka seringkali tidur pagi. nah, kalau seseorang tidur pagi tapi bangunnya juga siang, kemungkinan besar jam tidur orang tersebut bergeser (delayed sleep phase disorder). banyak orang yang sering begadang mengalami hal ini. menurut Wikipedia, perbedaan pergeseran jam tidur dengan insomnia adalah, orang yang jam tidurnya bergeser gampang tidur lagi saat pagi/siang hari, sedangkan orang insomnia tetap sulit tidur. nah, jadi perhatikan kalian termasuk yang mana.

3. penyebab insomnia
insomnia ringan (atau dapat disebut kurang tidur - sleep deprivation) umumnya disebabkan oleh stress. penyebab-penyebab lainnya sangat beragam mulai dari konsumsi kafein berlebihan, latihan fisik berlebihan, kebisingan di lingkungan sekitar, penyalahgunaan obat-obatan (stimulan, pereda nyeri, sedatif, dan lain-lain), hormon, rasa sakit/nyeri, penyakit syaraf, jet lag, sampai kelainan jiwa. jadi sekali lagi, tidak bisa tidur karena main internet dan lain-lain bukan penyebab insomnia.

ya, itulah sedikit yang ingin saya sampaikan mengenai insomnia. dengan post ini saya harapkan kalian yang masih sering beranggapan bahwa kalian insomnia dapat berubah pikiran dan tidak sembarangan menyebut diri kalian insomnia, apalagi hanya karena kalian belum bisa tidur pukul 1 pagi.

bila kalian merasa bahwa kalian mengalami gangguan tidur, jangan semata-mata menganggap kalian menderita insomnia. bisa saja kalian menderita rasa kantuk berlebih saat siang hari (excessive daytime sleepiness), pergeseran jam tidur (sleep phase disorder), atau bahkan narkolepsi (narcolepsy), atau mungkin gangguan-gangguan lainnya seperti sleep apnea dan lain-lain.


sumber: Wikipedia
*)note: bila ada kesalahan pengetikan maupun informasi, silahkan beri komentar kalian di post ini.

a letter from your ordinary, quiet girl

uhm.

dear atheists,

look, i know that many of you is highly educated. you think a lot of things, yes. you try to match every phenomenons with logics and theories. and as you do so, you begin to question the relevance of God in our lives. and maybe you find God has nothing to do with this world. He is not creator; big bang theory can explain the creation of our Earth. He does not create humans; humans evolve from chimpanzees, at least that's what Darwin taught us. and there's your bio-genesis theory, explaining the origin of all living organisms. let's give applause for those people and their intelligence, shall we? thank you, scientists, for finding out those wonderful theories.

as for our lives, there's no explaining why we got our good and bad lucks, wonderful and terrible fates, right? it's just happening without us knowing why. and yeah... it's likely that we will have good things happening to us if we work hard and we have luck, and vice versa.

i still remember one of my friend said this to me: every man has to have something to believe in. oh wait, you believe in science? fellas, i do too. i believe in all things that make sense, i believe in all things that is scientifically proven. but you know, i also believe in Him, as all about Him is written in Holy Bible (i'm a Christian). to think about it, i don't even know what makes me believe in Him. maybe because my parents raise me that way? or maybe because believing God is ideal, they say? i don't know, but i keep believing in Him and His grace. i believe that life, world, galaxies, all phenomenons, things happened daily--all of it is controlled by something, and that thing has to be God. i believe that even those scientists can think about all those theories because God wanted them to.

i'm not a good disciple--not even close. i know sin will send me to hell, yet i still sin. nevertheless, i still need something to hold on and to believe in. don't you need one?

believing God would do no harm to you, so chillax. you won't lose anything even if in the end He does not exist. at least that's what your scientist, Pascal, said.

- from a not-so-well educated 19-yrs-old who does not read science books nor Holy Bible much

dear extremist who despise atheists,

why don't we make the world a better place by stopping judging atheists. after all every man has his own belief, and they occurred to believe in only science. but you people, i think you are delusional if you only think and act according to what's written in your religion holy guidebooks and, what's worse, God Himself.

first of all, just because a man does not believe in God doesn't mean he deserves all disgraces to happen upon them. after all God is something man made to ease all their curiosity and insecurity about hollowness left before they create a concept of God (at least this is what i know). it's man-made.

and believing God alone does not make you better of a human than an atheist is. remember, faith without action is death. what's the point of praising God if you still curse everyone who does bad to you? what's the point of saying God's name if you spread hatred towards everyone around you?

remember, they not believing God does not have anything to do with you. after all that's why it's called belief. let us make peace not war, let us spread love not hate. let's open up our mind and be anything but a bigot. let's tolerate difference more.

- from a girl who is pissed off seeing hypocrisy